From the Training:
Assess & Progress: Spotting & Stopping the School Shooter

A podcast host asked their guest if they were married.

The person said yes. 

Instead of asking the obvious follow-up, “Are you happy?” the host asked a slightly different version of the question. 

“Is your spouse happy?” 

It completely threw the person off. They nervously laughed and said, “Most people ask if I’m happy.” 

That small change in the question changed the entire conversation. 

Sometimes good questions fall flat because people are expecting them.
They already know the script and the answer they’re supposed to give. 

I see this all the time when conducting student safety assessments.

However, a good question asked a little differently makes people pause and think. What comes after that small pause often reveals far more than the expected question ever would have.

Take the most common question we ask people who are struggling.

“Are you okay?”

It’s a good question, but it’s both very expected and often very difficult to answer honestly.

By asking it in a slightly different way it can reveal what a person is really thinking and sometimes how serious their situation actually is.

“Are you going to be okay?”

It forces them to pause, step out of the moment, and look to the future.

If they say yes, it usually means that regardless of how difficult it is right now, they still believe they can recover, bounce back, or endure what they’re facing.

That’s an important thing to know.

If they say they are not going to be okay, then we know how serious the situation feels to them and how much help they may truly need.

This same principle applies in many difficult conversations.

For example, instead of asking someone if they are thinking about harming themselves, you might also ask:

“Are you safe from harming yourself?”

It’s a small change, but it shifts the focus to safety and responsibility. It often leads to a more thoughtful and honest response and it opens the door to important follow-up questions.

The same idea can even apply to people who appear to be doing well.

Take a teacher who is working incredibly hard and just pouring their heart out. You may be afraid that such a high tempo may burn them out. You want to ask, “Are you doing okay?”

Some more revealing questions might be:

The difference between a routine conversation and a meaningful one can sometimes be nothing more than asking a good question just a little differently.

Give it a try.

Better questions equal better outcomes, opening the door that someone desperately wants to walk through.